sarapsychology

the love life issue.

kudos if you know what song my title is from! Anyways. i haven’t updated in quite a while, and i’m worried theres too much to report. well let’s backtrack. i was whining about how my ex is a douche and i wanted a rich man to buy me my own house (not necessarily for him to live in with me, heh heh, selfishness).

i would like to introduce a few new men in my life. needless to say, there are quite a lot, if you consider 4-5 a lot. seeing as i’d only have a chance with probably one of them, i’ll just briefly describe my unannounced relationships with them all.  Numero uno is a man we will call Bon Jovi. why? because if he reads this he’ll be like “welp thats not me.” He is by far the most confusing case of them all. he himself is not confusing, but my shallow heart never thought i would fall inlove with someone like him. dare i say that cliche line about how personality rules over looks? i’m making him seem like hes the hunch back of notradame, but he’s a very handsome man… it’s just, I’ve only ever been attracted to that “emo” type. maybe i’m growing up. only problem is, I work with him and hes my superior (no he’s not like 43 years old). he reminds me of my grandfather. because i grew up with no real father, my grandfather was the only window to understanding men, and i rarely ever saw him. but when i did, all he ever did was insult me then make up for it by buying me what ever i wanted.

hello, dating issues!

my point is, i’m forever going to be attracted to/hopelessly attached to men who subject me to playful teasing and neglect. change, sara, change! you can change! no i really can’t. a man who treats me 120% right and is a total sweetheart turns me off. bad boy syndrome? <– frown face. i have a theory that my best friend here in boston is my soul-mate, i’m just too shallow to fall in love with him. maybe in a few years.

on to the next man! well, he also works with me. he’s that guy you would loooooovelovelove to have as a garden-boy. i met him during orientation, but he works on the other side of the store so i never see him (good.. and bad). i am disgustingly attracted to him and would throw myself to his feet at any moment. go ahead and shred me up, feminists. because i know absolutely nothing about him except his name, we’re now moving on.

this one is  from a class of mine in school. he reminds me a lot of my ex, tall and skinny, has some acne and beautiful pitch black hair. oh, and hes also in IT. except that this guy is from india. i’ve been trying my hardest to get in with the IT tech group. they are my kind. i know of the pwnz0rz and the lulz and the ORLY?’s. why can’t they let me in! is it because i have a vagina? i need friends. anyways. so i highly doubt he and i are going anywhere, because my motivation for persuing him is almost nonexistent because i’ve never felt a click. but then again, he could end up being “the one” or some bull. and i would’ve just let him slip right by.

NUMERO …. what number are we on? oh, cuatro! so there’s a handsome boy i met last year in my home room. not until this year did i ever notice how ffffiiiiiineeeee he is. i yelled at him last year for staring at me too much. he would always give me dirty looks. but this year, those dirty looks turned into sexy, seductive glances. or so i hope. so, funny story on how this all sparked. being this health junky raised by a dietitian, i was never one to eat from a dirty truck run by a woman who looks like a crackhead outside of my new school. but i decided i would try it one day. it was a very jam-packed crowd i somehow managed to get to the front of. so i had noticed he was behind me, very close, and no one was behind him. i continued giggling and flailing about with some girl next to me, when i felt something push up on my buttbutt. oh, it’s just because the place is crowded and people are pushing. i glance behind me and there he is, a whole foot taller than me, staring down with this amazing smirk on his face. at that moment my little heart did quite melt. how am i supposed to react to that? the girl next to me would’ve been all “OH HELLS NO YOU DID NOT JUST PUSH UP ON MY BOOTY.” but, to be honest, i didn’t mind… and i liked it? flksdklfd. ever since then he’s been staring more, smiling more, sitting close to me during our class together. coincidence? god, i hope not.

MUCHACHO NUMERO CINCO! (does this make me seem desperate?) i have definitely saved the best for last. ironic i should say that, because he’s the reason i’ve been crying almost every night now. spoiler, no its not my ex (although i did have a dream where he died and i got sad?)! getting back on track here. i know i said bon jovi was the most confusing of all to me, but well, he is. numero cinco though. i just dont know. he doesn’t confuse me, he intrigues me. he has since the moment i met him last year. he is also the reason why me and eric would’ve never worked out, i’m just too amazed and in love with this kid. here’s a heartwarming story about the time we met:

it was lunch A with me and my friend from Commercial design. i kept kind of noticing this kid staring at me from a few tables away. my instinct when i feel eyes on me is to puff out my chest and stick out my butt a bit, smile and rest my chin in my hand. it’s at that moment him and his friend started walking over. he sat down next to me and looked directly at me, but said, “Hi -insert my friends name here-,” and she said an awkward hi back. He then proceeded with an extremely hilarious and awkward conversation, with me giggling and snorting the whole time. we started talking about videogames. my friend was all, Oh ew, those things ruin your life. yes, they do, but i fucking love them. we talked about Wii and xbox, and he was amazed at how much i knew. i loved having this knowledge. somehow at the end of this he got my myspace link out of me via napkin, and he walked away tall and proud, while i was left sitting there with a blushing face and a huge smile. from there, our relationship got sexual and flirty very fast, but nothing ever happened. he was amazed with me. he and i went on walks together all the time, and just talked, and i really felt something. No one ever treated me like he did. he was quiet and shy, but still had the undertone of bad-assness. he was the captain on the basketball team and was on the football team too. he was amazed i even remembered these details.  i remember everything. he told me i was special. he meant it in a “you’re crazy funny” way, but i could tell it was his way of confessing a feeling for me. through him i met one of my best friends. yay! more story time!

he had to go away to football camp for a few days. those few days felt like a century. but before he left, we had tried our hardest to meet before he left. our attempts and planning failed. i went to bed, saddened and missing him.

i was awoken at 2 am by my phone. he called me. i ignored the call and then texted him, “whaaaat i’m sleeping you crazy!!” he texted back, “come outside.” my heart exploded. but then reality set in. this was my only chance to see him before he left and i’ve never snuck out of my house before. i quickly put on a bra and a sweatshirt, forgot my shoes, and left as quiet as possible with the back door unlocked.  he said he would meet me in the park a block away from my house. i sat and waited for 30 minutes (probably more like 10). they finally arrived. wait, they? he had brought his friend with him. i was slightly disappointed, but relieved because i was uber nervous that i might smell a bit. turns out he had planned to take me out around town, but silly me forgot my shoes. so we hung out in the park, had funny group hugs and talked a lot. they might have done this a million times before, but it was my first time ever doing something remotely teenager-ish. it was very special to me, and the adrenaline felt amazing.

unfortunately, our relationship takes a slow turn for the worst. time for just one more story.  it was the fourth of july. him and his friend i met in the park were supposed to come to our party before leaving for the famous boston fireworks o the charles river. his friend came, but he didn’t. he texted his friend asking him to meet him in harvard square. why? he knows the way to my house. he wouldn’t say why. my instinct told me he was trying to ditch me. his friend of course didn’t leave, because hes a very polite young man. i guess this angered him a bit. so i tried to forget about that and not make a huge deal out of it. the night went on, we saw the fireworks, i bonded a lot with his friend who’s now my best friend. it was a great, booze-filled night.

a week went by and i hadn’t heard much of him. i was trying to concentrate on my relationship with my ex (who i was currently with at the time during all of this, horrible i know), but he knew something was up. he had promised me we would talk and hang out as much as possible over the summer. i never saw him after that until school started. our communication slowly withered away. the one time i really noticed this was when we talked for the last time via AIM. i had mentioned i was sad about my ex. he blew up on me, saying he couldn’t stand how i stayed with someone who treated me like shit. that was when our communication died. sad story, right? this is the part where i thought about him constantly and sent him desperate texts to just try and get a reply.

then school started. he ignores me right to my face. seeing him makes my knees weak and my heart ache.  i get so sick and all the possible reasons as to why swirl around in my head and eat away at my sanity, making me really paranoid. i try to act stronger now, a few weeks into school, simply not even looking at him when he passes me. but seeing him is unavoidable. somehow, in a school of 3 thousand, we see each other almost every time classes change. thankfully he has second lunch, while i have first lunch. Any time i know i’ll be seeing him, i try to pair up with a male friend near by. maybe that would spark something.

i’m just so worried about him, over 5 of my friends have already asked him why he won’t talk to me. its either, “why do you wanna know?” or “i don’t know” or he just doesn’t reply. i wish he knew what he does to me. i always wonder, maybe he thinks i’m not interested in him because i kept going back to my ex. does he even know i haven’t talked to him in a whole month, and i’m over him completely? Last night i was watching “He’s just not into you” with my mother. she comments, “well this is the perfect movie to watch since that whole *insert his name here* situation,” and i quite bluntly told her to screw off and went into my room. but not before she yelled, “but it’s fucking true.”

i then cried for two or three hours until i fell asleep, and found myself missing my ex for some reason. this morning i’m fine now, i don’t miss him, and i’m just completely and utterly worried about the boy from school.

i dunno, maybe i really am wasting my time. i don’t give up easily.

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